[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️