Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Practicing safe sax
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.