*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You Might Also Like
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I ate everything, including the H.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Ha.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.