[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
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“A little help here, Danny?”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.