me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
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COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I think this should do it.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.