Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Aaaa…CHOO!
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.