Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I triple waxed for this?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….