To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
When I said I liked it rough.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?