Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur