Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk