This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
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They did not think through this water fountain
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
*swipes right on my hand mirror
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists