the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
DOOO EEEET
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I love twitter
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense