[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
You Might Also Like
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.