Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit