I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.