People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?