[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat