My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Happy Friday
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you