iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.