Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Sing it!
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
A wise man once said nothing.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.