Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.