I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t realize that was an option
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans