sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
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I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
He is just living hist best little life 😊
for all #parents out there
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.