YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
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I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead