Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
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Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and