if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.