A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
just leave it at the foot of the bed
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.