My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
the battle rages on
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK