So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.