Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.