Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”