where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
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All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.