[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Name this drama.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore