Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
found this cool rock hiking today
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.