WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
What personal space?
My dog
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
dutch is not a serious language
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster