Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
What a website
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’