Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay