you gotta be faster
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”