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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
What a chick magnet..
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud