Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
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Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.