Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.