ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Am I having a stroke?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.