Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I wanna be friends with this person
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.