Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.