I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac