If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Webb. James Webb.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*puts cutlery down*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
WTF IS THAT!
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.