Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
this is the best day of my life
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way