Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis