If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary