“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
the last thing a carrot sees
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.